My Unique Wedding Rings

Men’s Engagement and Wedding Rings- Asking your man before getting him an engagement ring

About the author: Latoya Jones is a writer and webmaster of Rokstok.com. She is engaged in composing articles related to Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings , rings, wedding bands and diamond rings.

Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/jewelry-articles/mens-engagement-and-wedding-rings-asking-your-man-before-getting-him-an-engagement-ring-1265357.html

Frequently Asked Questions

1. QUESTION:
   Wedding / Engagement Ring Etiquette?
   I’m getting married in September, and just wondered if I have to take my engagement ring off for my wedding ring to go on.

   And if not, which way round is the right to have them both on – engagement ring at the bottom or wedding ring at the bottom of my finger.

   • ANSWER:
     For the ceremony, you have to have the hand bare which will be receiving the wedding band. You can wear the engagement ring on your other hand, or not at all. Later, you can put the engagement ring on – it goes on overtop of the wedding band – wedding band first.

2. QUESTION:
   What’s the etiquette with wearing inherited engagement rings?
   I recently inherited my grandmother’s engagement and wedding ring. I’m single and not in a serious relationship. My question is, can I wear the ring on my right hand? Is there a proper length of time that I should wait before wearing it? The ring is a beautiful reminder of my grandmother and the love she shared with my late grandfather.

   • ANSWER:
     I inherited my Grandmother’s very beautiful diamond engagement ring. I wore it on my right hand until I became engaged, when my (now) husband and I designed my engagement ring and had a jeweller set my Grandmother’s stones, amongst others, in my new ring. I love the fact that my engagement ring carries the tangible evidence of the happy marriages of other members of my family, perhaps you could do something similar later.

3. QUESTION:
   I’m clueless when it comes to engagement ring and wedding ring etiquette.?
   Do I have to have a wedding ring, or could I just continue to wear my engagement ring after I’m married?

   • ANSWER:
     You don’t have to wear any kind of ring if you don’t want to!

     Most married women, if they are only planning to wear one ring, wear their wedding bands because most people look at that and think, “Oh, married. Got it.” But there’s absolutely no rule or law that says you can’t wear an engagement ring as a wedding ring. Just don’t be too annoyed if people ask you “When’s the wedding?” even if you’re already married

4. QUESTION:
   According to etiquette, do I wear my grandmother’s engagement ring alone or with the wedding band?
   I’m single, just turned 28 and recently inherited my grandmother’s three-diamond engagement ring and solid gold wedding band. The diamond ring is beautiful and I’d like to wear it on my right hand – not as an engagement or wedding ring – but my family and friends can’t decide whether it’s proper to wear it with or without the wedding band. Are there any etiquette rules about this?

   • ANSWER:
     I wear my grandmothers ring as my engagement ring – felt it made it more special, when looking for an engagement ring I kept being drawn to rings very similar. Previous to this I kept it in its box, hidden for 10 years, scared I would lose it or it would get it stolen, If not as an engagement ring I guess you can wear it as you please with or without the wedding band as this will have no significance other than the sentimental meaning being your grandmothers. Please get the ring(s) valued, insured and get the setting checked in case any stones are loose.

5. QUESTION:
   Engagement ring/ wedding band etiquette?
   I know you are supposed to wear your wedding band closer to your heart, and put the engagement ring on top of it. However, I don’t care for those matching sets that most people are getting. My engagement ring doesn’t match my wedding band in style or color, of metal or stone – they would look awful together.
   Is it bad taste to wear my engagement ring on my right hand, after the wedding?

   • ANSWER:
     Personally, I think it’s in poor taste to wear both on the same finger, but that’s just me. Until you are married, your engagement ring belongs on the 4th finger of your left hand. After you are married, your wedding ring belongs there. Other than that, there are no rules regarding which finger any of your rings belong on.

6. QUESTION:
   Has anyone heard of three wedding rings?
   I have heard of something where it’s supposed to be tradition for three rings for a wedding – an engagement ring, a ring for the wedding, and another ring at the one anniversary. Then with either the wedding ring or the ring a year later one has a diamond and one is just a band. But I can’t find this anywhere online.
   Has anyone heard of this at all and can you explain the etiquette/how it works?

   • ANSWER:
     yes, there’s the engagement ring- the big fancy one you get when he pops the question
     the wedding band- a simple ring you get at the ceremony and
     the eternity band- usually a mirror image of the wedding band that you get at either the first anniversary or the birth of the first child(whichever comes first)

     not every one follows this tradition though most people only get the engagement and wedding rings as for the first anniversary men are now often opting to buy a different type of present.

7. QUESTION:
   Deceased mother’s wedding ring etiquette?
   My mother died last year and left me her wedding/engagement rings (they are welded together). My bf and I decided to get engaged and I said I wanted to use my mother’s ring. Is this weird? I’ve heard of inheriting grandmothers’ rings, but it it weird for me to use my own mother’s wedding/engagement rings? She knew she was going to die and we talked about it and she expressed that she would be honored if I used her ring. Also, my parents were married 37 years and I guess I think it has good luck (I’d never wear a ring from a marriage that ended in divorce, just me).

   Am I only suppose to wear the engagement ring? It has a very unique design, so to get a new wedding band to match would require a custom ring, costing 3x the usual cost of a pre-made band, not including the fact it has intricate detail.

   Is this violating some etiquette rules? I wear the ring on my left hand with the engagement ring on the bottom and plan to switch to wedding ring on bottom after marrying.

   • ANSWER:
     No problem with that at all.

     Here’s how it would have gone down according to etiquette:

     When you’re mom died the rings would have gone back to your dad. When your boyfriend decided to propose he would have gone to your dad to ask for his blessing and your dad would have given him the rings to propose with.

     This is the same way it will go when your son or daughter is ready to get married (get ready to give up your ring), or if you want to keep it longer your granddaughter or grandson.

     Congratulations, this is how traditions are made.

     P.S. a good jeweler should be able to take the ring and band apart so they can be rejoined at the wedding.

8. QUESTION:
   What’s the Wedding Ring Etiquette?
   I’m clueless when it comes to engagement ring and wedding ring etiquette. Do I have to have a wedding ring, or could I just continue to wear my engagement ring after I’m married?

   • ANSWER:
     Every culture is different.

     In my wedding, my husband placed the band on my finger.

     Now, I wear the band first and my engagement ring on top.

     Peace.

9. QUESTION:
   Etiquette-engagement ring?
   I was raised to be mindful and respectable of people and their property, especially jewelry(engagement/wedding rings); you should not touch. I’ve come to find a person touching and pawing all over someone’s ring as offense as freely touching a pregnant woman’s belly.

   My associates say they never heard of such a thing, but I can’t help how I was brought up. Is this news or common knowledge to anyone else?
   I had a coworker literally put her finger on my ring-like in pointing & jabbing type of way. Similar to a little kid pointing/touching things they see. I couldn’t believe it.

   • ANSWER:
     I haven’t had that problem, and i’ve never heard an etiquette rule on that one! I’ve had people ask to see it, but they generally just look, or they touch my palm to hold my hand (minimal contact). I can see how that would bother you though! I’ve actually seen a girl ask a friend of mine if she could try hers on!!! I was shocked, and if I were her, I would have said no.

10. QUESTION:
    Etiquette for wearing my deceased mother’s wedding ring?
    My mum recently passed away and has left me her jewelery in her will – this includes her wedding ring and engagement ring. My dad is still alive and is happy for me to have these rings. I am also married and wear a wedding ring … I was wondering if there is an etiquette for wearing one or either of my mum’s rings? I would be proud to wear them – for the moment I am wearing both wedding rings on my left hand.
    Thank you.

    • ANSWER:
      I dont see anything wrong with it, if your husband is okay with it and your dad is okay with it, maybe put your moms stuff on your right hand or on a necklace, like buy a chain.

11. QUESTION:
    Wedding Ring etiquette?
    Do I wear my wedding ring and engagement ring on the same finger? Or my engagement ring on my right hand and wedding band on my left?

    • ANSWER:
      You put your wedding ring on the ring finger of your left hand (the ring finger is the one next to the baby finger), then you put the engagement ring on the same hand, the same finger. You wear the wedding ring on the inside because it’s supposed to be closest to your heart. Hope this helps.

12. QUESTION:
    Engagement ring etiquette?
    My fiance’s ring he has picked out for me is a round Angel’s halo set ring. Just a big round diamond with a bunch of tiny diamonds surrounding it. My question is, if this is the engagement ring, then isn’t the wedding ring supposed to fit around it to make one big ring? I don’t know what would look good in adding to this ring or what is supposed to happen exactly. Suggestions stories and websites would be great if you have any of them, thanks for your help!

    • ANSWER:
      My engagement ring is a solitare with stones in the shoulders of the band but the shoulders of the band are slightly off set. To get a wedding ring to sit snug against my ring I’m thinking of getting one made I want to always wear my engagement AND wedding rings together so we don’t mind saving for a bit longer to get wedding rings that we really want

13. QUESTION:
    I need help with a couple of wedding traditions and etiquette?
    Firstly, after you are married and wearing your wedding ring all the time, do you still wear your engagement ring? I’ve been told that you don’t wear your engagement ring everyday just your wedding band.

    Secondly, who pays for the maid of honour/bridesmaids dresses and the best man/groomsmen’s tux?

    Thanks for the help!

    • ANSWER:
      i don’t know where you read that you don’t ware your engagement ring
      after your are married but to me that sounds silly
      engagement rings can be expensive how would the man feel
      if he put out all that money on a ring that you don’t wear anymore
      what i did at the wedding i had my engagement ring on my right hand
      when my husband put my wedding band on
      i moved the ring in front of my wedding band
      that’s the way i have benn wearing it ever since

      for the bridesmaids dress they paid for their own
      but i had dresses that they could wear other places
      like church and things like that

      i don’t know about the tex
      that was my husband thing i don’t know what he did

14. QUESTION:
    Mens’ Engagement Rings?
    I always thought that it wasn’t fair for a woman to receive an engagement ring and a man to have nothing until the wedding… but it seems to be unpopular to exchange engagement rings… Can anyone offer etiquette or customary or general advice/opinions?

    • ANSWER:
      It’s up to the guy. I wanted to get my fiancee one since we will have a long engaement but he said it was gay and didn’t want one….macho little turd. So I got him an Xbox instead.

      Just ask him and see what his opinion is on the subject.

15. QUESTION:
    Who gets the rings back after divorce?
    This sounds like a simple question, but I am not sure ……………

    Who gets the engagement and wedding ring after a marriage is considered divorced?

    I don’t know the etiquette …………….

    • ANSWER:

16. QUESTION:
    really nice engagement ring – importance question?
    First off, let me say: I KNOW the marriage is most important part not the ring!!!! With that said, is it wrong for a female to want a really nice engagement ring, wedding ring set? How much is considered too much to a male — what do you think about ,000-,000? They are making rings in this price range, so are regular non-famous people buying them? I have a female friend who picked out her OWN ring! I have never heard of such thing – opinions on engagement ring prices and etiquette? Thanks!

    ** PS – Do men expect a really nice wedding band as well (price?), I’m just wondering…

    • ANSWER:
      This stuff all depends on the couple. My engagement ring was about 00. but I think my wedding ring will cost under 0 because I just want a plain gold band, and they’re cheap. The average price of an engagement ring in in teh high 00′s to low ,000′s..and no, there is nothing wrong with wanting a nice ring–or having nice things, in general. You will be wearing this ring for the rest of your entire life, and it should be of a quality good enough to last!

17. QUESTION:
    Is it okay to wear your engagement ring and then your wedding band?
    I was recently given my husband’s great-grandmother’s engagement ring (diamond). My wedding band is very wide and if I put the engagement ring on after my wedding band I feel that because my wedding band is so wide that the engagment ring could slide off (it fits very well but there’s not much room left on the finger). Is it okay to wear my engagement ring 1st and then secure it with my wedding band? It would be for safety reasons.

    Anybody with ring etiquette would be much appreciated to chime in!

    • ANSWER:
      traditionally its to be the wedding band then engagement ring but it really shouldnt matter.

      Get the ring resized so it fits better or you could get them soldered together.

18. QUESTION:
    Regarding weddings and the engagement ring: Do I wear the engagement ring in the ceremony?
    What is the etiquette regarding the engagement ring and the wedding band? Which do I put on first, and do I wear the engagement ring to the wedding ceremony?

    • ANSWER:
      Tradition/etiquette will have you switch the engagement band to the right ring finger for the ceremony and switch it back to the left hand after the ceremony. Some women choose to keep their engagement ring on the right and wear the wedding band on the left. This happens when the rings are totally different in style and would not go well together on one finger. I would discuss it with your groom. See what or if he would prefer as he has a vested interest in both rings . As with everything wedding it is all about you and your groom being happy and that is about it.

19. QUESTION:
    what is the etiquette around replacing my wedding ring?i have been married 4 a few years & ready 4 an upgrade?
    i would like a new ring all together. i just have a 3 stone ring that i don’t feel reflects my personal style. and when we got engaged we were young and didn’t have a lot of money. i just feel funny looking at engagement rings now… should i trade my current one in?
    this is a actually something me and my husband have discussed. he was only in school when he proposed before, and now that we both make more money, and i have had 2 of his beautiful babies… so he believes i deserve it too… what a nice husband

    • ANSWER:
      You should realize that most settings can hold larger stones which in itself is ‘traditional’ nowadays to upgrade the size of the stone just like you upgrade a home.

20. QUESTION:
    Wedding ceremony etiquette question?
    Ok, during the ceremony, what is the bride supposed to do with her engagement ring? Since the wedding band is supposed to go on the finger first, does she wear the engagement ring on her other hand, or just put the wedding band on the outside and switch it later or not wear it at all yet or what??? I am so confused about this and no one I ask seems to remember. Please help? What is the proper way to do this?

    • ANSWER:
      The way that I did it and the way all the brides I’ve known have done it is to put the engagement ring on the other finger. Then after the ceremony they can switch it to the other finger along with their wedding band.

21. QUESTION:
    I’m getting an heirloom engagement ring. But it’s coming from my own family. Etiquette?
    My paternal grandmother has a diamond ring that my now deceased grandfather gave her as a gift. She wears it on her left ring finger, like a wedding ring. Over the years, I’ve expressed interest in the ring. More so in the last few months because I’m pretty sure I’m close to being proposed to. My question is this: What’s the proper etiquette for my boyfriend to acquire the ring? My boyfriend and I have been together just under two years and he’s close to my family. Obviously, he’s going to offer my grandmother money for the ring. I’m just scared she won’t take any money. Should I feel bad about this?

    • ANSWER:
      hon, honestly here, what makes you think she wants to part with that ring in the first place?

22. QUESTION:
    RING ETIQUETTE? I’m not sure…?
    Is it ‘the right way’ to put on the wedding ring first, and then the engagement ring on the outside? Or vice-versa?

    • ANSWER:
      my mom thinks the wedding ring should be on the inside, but i tried searching online and found both ways on different sites. so i think whatever you and your fiance decide is fine.

23. QUESTION:
    Can a promise ring be used as an engagement ring? What is the proper etiquette?
    To make it more understandable… I have been dating my old high school sweetheart for awhile now. When we were younger we had plans to get married and certain things broke us apart. Complete misunderstanding on both our parts and as high schoolers we never really talked about it. It broke both of our hearts. He went his way and I went mine. We found our way back to each other after all these years. We are more in love now. We live together and are raising our children together. He constantly tells me that he will marry me and even has me looking through jewelry catalogs for rings. He wants to be sure I get something I would like because I’m going to be the one wearing it. Completely understandable. Thing is I really am very simple when it comes to things like that. I like tiny jewelry so when I seen some of the promise rings, I told him that is what I wanted. he said that isn’t quite what he was looking for. He wants to get me an official engagement ring. I told him I really don’t like the look of them and wanted simple and really not expensive. So, can a promise ring be used as an engagement ring? I’m that’s what I want shouldn’t that count? We are planning on getting matching wedding bands and again just simple with that too.

    • ANSWER:
      You can have whatever you want for your engagement ring.There is nothing wrong with him wanting to splash out on you a little.There is something about a man (probably male pride lol) that says “i must get her the most fancy diamond engagment ring)because at the end of the day,others are going to ask you to see the ring and if it isn’t dazzling then the responsibility comes down on him!!!

      But to me its more about sentiment and what it means to the both of you,you are the one who has to wear it everyday and look at it every single day and you will not enjoy looking at it if its something which you are not used to or it is not your style.

      But look there are thousands of styles and there are some more traditional engagement rings with just a tiny stone or a few little diamonds to give it the wow factor ,so you could go for the best of both worlds!!!

      I hope this helps

24. QUESTION:
    Question about engagment ring and wedding band?
    ok so my engagement ring came with a wedding band that interlocks with each other. the thing about that is how does my Husband to be slip the wedding band on when we get married? do I take the engagement ring off for him to do this? Also the site claims its a wedding band and I guess it is since its too different rings but I kind of like the way the engagement ring look with the wedding band. It doesn’t look like two rings really just a little nicer. would it be bad etiquette if I wore both rings now and when we get closer to the wedding date bought another wedding band (one that matches my husband to be’s) but if I do that then would another wedding band look weird with the engagement ring since the ring is curved?

    here’s the picture of both rings together

    http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10101&catalogId=10001&productId=940192500&topCatId=15051&bcCatIds=15051.15057.15107

    yeah but even if I do that…. this is what the wedding band looks like alone…

    http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10101&catalogId=10001&productId=940192521&topCatId=15051&bcCatIds=15051

    • ANSWER:
      Before you go to the ceremony, move your engagement ring to the other hand and have that wedding band (yes, as unusual as it is) used for the ceremony. You WILL have a moment at some point – whether it’s when you are waiting to sign the register, etc. to slip your engagement ring on beside the wedding band.
      No one will see the band but the minister, you two and the wedding party.
      But if you do as I said above, the rings will be back together when you are meeting people after the ceremony.

25. QUESTION:
    Grandmother’s Engagement Ring Question?
    I have been married for 13 years, have a lovely wedding and engagement ring….and just came into possession of my grandmother’s engagement ring.

    It is a lovely gold ring, with her name engraved in script inside the band with a diamond solitaire of perhaps half a carat. I have no daughters to pass it on to, btw….but I do have a 12 year old son. In any event, I was wondering if anyone knew of any rules of etiquette to follow when wearing heirloom jewelry such as this? I was mulling the idea of wearing it occasionally, on my right ring finger. Would this be considered inappropriate?

    • ANSWER:
      Wear it! There is no point in having something like that if it stays in a little box. Every time you see it, you will think of her. I wear my grandmother’s ring all of the time! Those kind of etiquette issues are ridiculous sometimes. It is your ring now and if you feel it is appropriate to wear it, then do it.

      I would give it to your son when he is old enough to know the sentimental value. He can offer it to his fiancee one day.

26. QUESTION:
    Engagement Ring Problems?
    Okay, here’s a good one for you all.
    The Bride-to-be likes her Engagement ring. She always dreamt of another kind of ring though. People consider her to be a genuine person who is neither materialistic nor greedy. She plans on spending the rest of her life with this man. Is it wrong for the Bride-to-be to ask for the ring she really wants?

    Now wait a minute! Just for the record before anyone attacks me for not being greatful for the ring period…..hold on!!!
    I am taking a wedding etiquette cource at my local college and this is a question I have to answer. I would just like to get a poll of how people would handle this, and weather or not they would say something.
    Thanks all!! I’ll choose a best answer in a few hours!

    • ANSWER:
      I actually just read up on this very subject, in a recent Miss Manners article.

      The tradition of a man giving a woman a ring at the time he asks her to marry him started back in the days when the man had a family heirloom to give to his bride. It is a fairly recent change that men buy a new ring to give away, which has essentially developed due to the proliferation of humans, and our inability to continue passing things down.

      Miss Manners suggests that the bride in question say to her groom, “I always want to wear my engagement ring, but it’s not comfortable for every day. Would you mind if I have it reset?”

      Also, once you are given a gift, it is technically yours to do with as you please. One would hope that a young bride would address this situation with tact, but the truth is, she has to wear it for the rest of her life, and it should be something that she is comfortable wearing.

27. QUESTION:
    Signet ring etiquette?
    I have recently got engaged and as part of this I have been given a signet ring as an engagement ring, which I wear on my left pinky finger. My question is when I get married and have my wedding band should I wear my signet ring a the same time or not? Please only answer if you know what tradition dictates.

    • ANSWER:
      A signet ring is not the type of “engagement ring” you can wear with a wedding band, especially if it only fits on your left little finger. It would constantly rub against your wedding band. Also, pinky rings are at risk of falling off and getting lost.

      If there will be no traditional engagement ring in the picture (with a diamond or some other precious stone), why not choose a lovely wedding band, and either put the signet ring away or wear it on your right hand somehow. You could have it enlarged if you wanted to wear it on the ring finger of your right hand.

      Lots of married women wear a wedding band alone. I even knew a woman who got tired of her engagement ring catching on things and always twisting around her finger. She had the main diamond and the two side diamonds re-set into a level setting in a new wedding ring.

      I knew another woman whose wedding ring came from a jeweler who specialized in creating rings. He was able to melt down an old gold ring from the husband’s family and re-cast it into a wedding band of a modern design.

28. QUESTION:
    Wedding Etiquette – how do I tell my family I want a quiet day with no fuss?
    My partner and I are planning to get engaged this year, once we have saved enough money for the ring and venue, etc. Both of us do not want a big fuss on our actual day, mainly because we are quite reserved in nature and don’t like being in the spotlight. The only thing is, I have quite a large family who, when we announce our engagement, will expect a massive party with all the trimmings, but we don’t want anything too showy like they would expect. Well, that’s not my biggest worry – I was speaking to my older sister (on the rare occasion we speak, as we don’t see or speak to each other for months at a time as we don’t get on that well) about getting engaged, and she replied that she can’t wait to be a chief bridesmaid again (she was for her best friend’s wedding). The thing is though, I don’t want bridesmaids or anything like that, how do I tell her this? I know I will either get disowned by my family or told off by my parents as a result, and my partner says this is the type of thing that puts him off getting married, arguments about petty things like this and others forcing me to do things I don’t want – any advice?

    • ANSWER:
      First, you’re compounding your own problems by discussing it with your sister, especially when you say you’re not close. This is just asking for problems, and you’re not even engaged yet! So find a way to stop talking about it. Your partner is correct about a lot of unnecessary stress, so don’t go out of your way to find it.

      In fact, given the situation, I’d recommend a short official engagement. Don’t announce it until the plans are underway. And then simply sit them down and tell them what you’ve decided. Ask for their support. Tell your sister that if you were having a traditional, bigger wedding, of course she’d be part of it, but you aren’t.

      Always remember, the important person here is your partner. Not only is your loyalty shifting to him, but it’s important that he see you’re able to stand your ground with your family. Many people do what you’re doing, so it’s not like it needs to be justified, and when you let them talk you into something you and your fiance don’t want, you’re putting them ahead of him, which never sits well. The same would be true if his mom was demanding things and he was giving in. You have to be a united front and send that message.

29. QUESTION:
    Etiquette for passing down family heirlooms?
    My mother recently passed away. She has 7 brothers and sisters. Their parents died when all the children (including my mother) was 20 years old or younger. When my sister and I were organizing our mom’s estate we discovered a 12 person serving china set and a cedar chest filled with laces that nobody ever knew about. In my mom’s will she said she wanted the china to go to my daughter and the cedar chest along with her wedding and engagement ring go to my neice. When her brothers and sisters came to help us go through belongings and they found the china they demanded that the china and chest be returned to them because it belonged to THEIR mother and our mother must have stole it when their mother (who is also my mom’s mom) died. I know for a fact that my grandmother did not have a will and things were just “passed out” when they were cleaning up after her death. Some of the kids were too young to take anything but nobody “stole” anything. If I give any of the brothers and sisters the china then they would pass it down to their children etc. My question is Shoud I pass the china set down to one of my mom’s brothers or sisters to keep them happy and then it becomes their family heirloom or should I just give the china to my daughter as my mom willed it? Thanks for any suggestions!

    • ANSWER:
      Shame on them for behaving so badly! And I say absolutely do not let them take those things away from you and your family! They’re trying to take advantage of you right now and I think if you let them bully you into giving the china up, you’ll regret it for many, many years. Just keep repeating to them that you are honoring your mother’s wishes for the heirlooms be passed down to your daughter.

      Do you have any other “really good” reason why the china should stay with you? Like your mom was the oldest daughter, and you feel that’s a good enough reason that she inherited the china in the first place, and therefore the china gets passed down through her children? I hope so, because that’s always a good argument when it comes to things like this.

      Also, it seems like you might be best off to get some legal advice on this matter, but I don’t know how you could go about doing that.

      Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your mother.

30. QUESTION:
    Can a man wear an engagement ring?
    I’ve just never seen a man wear a ring until the wedding day. Is it bad etiquette? I really want to buy my future hubby a ring, and I want everyone to look at his left hand and know he’s TAKEN! :0)
    Also, if he does wear an engagement band, do I have to get him ANOTHER ring as the wedding band?
    I don’t believe in bad or good luck. My fiance and I already got a wrap saudered to my engagement solitaire and we’re just using it as the wedding band. We’re not very traditional.

    • ANSWER:
      I’m with you, what law says women have to wear a ring and be branded as taken but men don’t when they’re engaged? ask your fiance if he wants to get a band and start wearing it now. or get him a cheaper ring now and he can move it to his right hand when you’re married and he puts his wedding band on.

31. QUESTION:
    What is the proper etiquette?- bridal shower and bachelorette party?
    Since the moment my best friend announced her marriage plans to me, I have been talking about planning her a bridal shower and bachelorette party. Once she stated that she would soon make announcements to family and friends I told her to send me the names, numbers , and email addresses of everyone she wanted to invite. Some time ago, she conversed with me about how stressed she was about the wedding and dealing with the other bridesmaids I offered to help. In addition, to explaining to her that this is what I’m here for. I also asked her to give me the names and phone number of the other bridesmaids . She never delegated that info to me. We live in different states so it pretty difficult to browbeat my way in. Anyhow, after much harassing she finally told me that she didn’t want a bridal shower and bachelorette party stating that it might be difficult for me to get off. I attributed it to her soon to be husband because if I would suffer any difficulty why would I push the issued. After getting her engagement ring (they made announcements before him giving her the ring) I get a text stating “Are we still having the bridal shower?” I was pissed! I felt like going off, but merely kindly remaindered her that it was she that stated she didn’t want it. I offer to do something small the night before, but nothing of which I had originally planned. Well a week later today, I get another text that her soon to be husband stated she deserves a shower and wants me to plan it. I was so ticked because I felt like that’s not the way it works. However, I am torn because this is her wedding, I don’t want her to look back, and have those memories. By the way her wedding is April 22nd. So my question is, what is the proper etiquette in this situation? And what is your advice?
    For @BBG I should add that I did offered to still give her the bridal shower, but it wouldn’t be as elaborate as I originally planned it. I was going to do a small something the night before. She said okay and then the next day, I received a text stating that her husband thought she should have a bridal shower and to let her know the date. So I wasn’t reneging on a promise. Technically, it wasn’t a renege after she said she didn’t want one. I was no longer oblige, but I felt bad after thinking about it being her wedding. So I think my etiquette is just fine. What she discusses with her hubby is her business, but when she contacts me stating what he said naturally that leave room for judgment. My problem was her indecisiveness and indefiniteness. My planning would be my cost alone as it doesn’t seem like the bridesmaid would chip in. At the beginning I told her I want to know in advance.

    • ANSWER:
      what a bridezilla. the bride has nothing to do with her shower or bachelorette. if others decide to throw it, fine. but the bride does not give orders like this. I think you should leave it up to those who live near her to plan it since you’re so far away. just tell her that whoever plans her shower should keep you in the loop so you can help with the cost and you will surely attend, but for you to plan it from out of state would be too hard. hopefully the bride will move on and pick on her other attendants and leave you alone. you really see people’s true colors during wedding planning that’s for sure.

32. QUESTION:
    Should I have to give my ring back?
    My husband and I are getting a divorce after 2 years of marriage (and 3 1/2 years of dating, then 1 1/2 years engaged) and he has requested that I return my engagement ring to him. I thought it was etiquette that the wife keeps the engagement ring if the marriage ends in divorce, but if the engagement is broken before the wedding, the man gets the ring back. What should I do? I really don’t think he should get it back.

    • ANSWER:
      Why does he want the ring back so badly?

      Honestly, he gave it to you. You took it in good faith, thinking that you were going to get married, thinking that you would have a life together. Therefore, you get to keep it. He can’t ask for it back four years later just because it didn’t work the way he expected it. As far as I’m concerned, a divorce is a forseeable risk of getting married, and he accepted that that was a possibility when he proposed and gave you an expensive ring.

33. QUESTION:
    What’s the difference between a promise ring and an engagment ring?
    If a woman walks around wearing what she calls a promise ring, would you react to the relationship as seriously as if she called it an engagement ring?

    What’s the difference between being just promised and being engaged? I know in the old days it was considered a promise ring until wedding planning was directly underway, but I’m not sure of the modern take on this issue. In my situation, we’ll be long distance for the next 3 years due to work, or we’d just get married now. So what would I tell people I am? I feel a bit embarrassed that my confusion over this etiquette issue is the only thing keeping a ring off my finger.

    Help?

    • ANSWER:
      My husband and I were in the same situation that we were long distance for many years due to work related issues, but knew we wanted to get married. We opted to wait until we were together to get the engagement ring and make it official. I just was not sure what my family’s reaction would be to us getting engaged before we lived together and preferred to err on the side of caution. Technically, the engagement ring is for when you get engaged, and the definition of an engagement is just “a pledge to be married.” If you are sure you about getting married and are ready to make the pledge, then you are fine to go ahead and get the engagement ring. Just be aware that there is a minority of people out there that are of the opinion that if you are engaged, it has to be for less than a year away and may look down on you for getting engaged sooner.

      As for the “promise ring”, I actually preferred in my case to have no ring than a promise ring. My impression of a promise ring is that it’s saying, “I want to marry you, but I’m not ready to make it an absolute promise.” I felt like we were past that stage in the relationship, and getting one would only make the relationship seem LESS serious to other people than it would have otherwise.

34. QUESTION:
    pros and cons about asking for money at your wedding?
    Well, you can see from my last question that my fiancee and I are going to marry next year and we decided no to have a wedding list. After a controversial discussion on this subject I was interested in the reasons as to why it is such a taboo in Britain to put a little, polite note in the envelope WITH the invitation to say that you appreciate monetary gifts (without using the word money-please see my last question). The reason why we decided to do so is:
    1. We really don’t have much money at all and we received already a lot of little practical gifts on our engagement. And we have already most of the little things. So we really save up for the bigger things. Our wedding won’t cost much but it is a lot of money for us. But as we would like our friends to be part of our wedding we decided to have a proper reception.
    2. I asked around and everyone said, they think it’s a very good idea so I was very surprised about your reaction. Also, in my culture (I am German) it is very common to “ask” for money. There will be German guests so they won’t think it’s impolite. The rest of the people in my community doesn’t mind the idea at all because they know us.
    3. I don’t want people to spend too much money on ordinary things. For example: If I make a wedding list and someone decides to buy us a tin opener, most people won’t go for the 1 pound version but spend 10 pound. I would be better off with 5 pound cash and than I go and buy a tin opener for 1 pound and save the rest for a sofa or a bed. So both sides will benefit from this.I don’t want people to go into debt for us (which is also impolite) because they can only spend money on their credit card and can’t give cash. I’d rather forgo a gift altogether.
    4.My parents are not involved with the wedding preperation at all as they live in Germany and we don’t have the bestest of relationships. Most people don’t know my fiancees parents so they (the guests) will be grateful (so they say) if they don’t have to ring around and ask whether there is a wedding list or not. And I think a little polite note is much better than being told by the parents that we’re better off with money – what on earth is the difference?
    4. If I really put on a list what we need it would be a washing machine and furniture – Well, THAT is impolite.
    5. Why does british etiquette never make sense? Sometimes I think it’s only about tradition, not a about logic.
    6. If you think this method is impolite, how impolite is it to DEMAND that someone spends half a fortune to make it able for you to be part of a nice wedding but not to give anything? If someone can’t afford to give anything, I don’t have a problem with this – and they won’t be able to buy a present either anyway. But if they are my friends (which is the case with all of the people I invited) they will completely understand my situation and I will completely understand their situation. The first sentence in my note is completely sincere and honest. I do NOT expect anything but please make it easy for both of us if you want to give something. My flatmate eg asked me what if she has no money and if she could make something nice for me – something personal. And I am more than happy with this. People who know us and love us won’t be offended and everyone I asked so far actually preferred giving money…

    One of my friends (and even my fiancee) reacted the same way you did, and then I explained my reasons for this. Now they understand and all my friends agree with this. So, is it still impolite?

    • ANSWER:
      I think the day has gone whereby you receive 10 toasters and 6 can openers. Nowadays, a majority of couples actually live together before they tie the knot so they have most things.

      My son married last year and they put on their invites that they preferred not to receive gifts but if anyone wanted to give them a gift then vouchers would be welcomed as they were saving to buy a house and vouchers would help them to buy bits they wanted. Close family (ie granmothers, aunties and uncles etc) all gave cheques and some close friends gave them dollars as they were going on a month long honeymoon to the US. They actually only got a couple of wrapped presents and they were mainly decorative gifts.

      Another wedding I attended recently asked for Thomas Cook Vouchers so they could put these towards a belated honeymoon to Florida (they also had two children).

      Another wedding couple asked for donations to a large item of furniture they required. In fact they opened a “list” with Debenhams and the only thing on the list was a bed. As they had lived together for some time, they didn’t want anything else so all donations went towards this! It was something they wanted and, I believe, they got enough for the bed and some nice bed linen too.

      A lot of weddings in the UK now ask for cash for presents or, if you don’t want to be seen to be mercenary, then vouchers for a particular store. Alternatively, if you don’t want anything, then ask for donations to a charity? I’ve seen that done, too.

      It’s your wedding so you do what you want. If anyone has a problem then that is their affair!

      Good luck to you both for the future.

35. QUESTION:
    When the woman proposes, should she buy a ring?
    Since I’m tired of waiting for him after eleven years, and he keeps telling me that when he’s ready to get married, that he is going to marry me, and he still can’t believe that I want to marry hisass after everything…I’m not sure of the proper etiquette of a woman’s proposal.
    I want to get him something nice that he can wear until I put the wedding band on him, and he can move the ring I buy him for an engagement to his right hand.
    This does not mean that I want to be the man of the house. I just am tired of waiting. I don’t NEED an engagement ring. I just want to be the man’s OFFICIAL wife. It’s important to me.That’s why.
    HOW is it degrading myself. And no, I’m not desperate.
    E-fvcking-leven years! We have two kids. I have stuck by him through some really hard times when most women would have just left, which is a big reason why he has a hard time believing I really want to.
    all I asked for what the etiquette is.

    • ANSWER:
      I’d just give him a choice either marry me now and make our children legal or keep the child support checks coming. No you shouldnt have to ask him. Heck he’s got it made in the shade. Having a woman there to sleep with and 2 lovely kids. He is thinking why do i have to put a ring on you to make it better.From what i have been hearing from you now he’s got his cake and eatin it too. He just aint the marrying type. So go easy on the man when he gets ready he will. I know 11 years is a long time. When you get your belly fully of him u will know what to do.. And this is all Kitty has got to say bout that.

36. QUESTION:
    How should I proceed with our breakup ?
    I’ve been living with my girlfriend for 4 years. We are engaged but had decided to hold off on the wedding until after she finishes her degree. She went back to school at age 29 and has one semester left after this one.

    Our breakup is inevitable. We’re still together but we fight all the time. The fighting coincides with the end of her semesters, when the stress level is at a maximum. I take my share of responsibility here because I realize (usually after the fact) that I just need to let certain things rest. She, however, doesn’t seem to acknowledge that she reacts a bit more irrational due to the stress that she’s in, so in her mind it’s just me being completely unreasonable.

    The last time it was this bad was pretty much exactly a year ago. Same situation, similar fights. We both agree that this isn’t fair to any of us.

    We still don’t have any children or anything together, so you’d think the breakup would be free of complications. However, she doesn’t work and my salary has paid for us for the last 3 years (since she left her job to go back to school full time). At this point my main concern is related to the financial aspect of this. What are my moral obligations if we break up ? What about legal obligations ?

    It looks like we’re not going to be able to be completely amicable while doing this, and I have a lot of contention about the financial situation we’re in. My financial situation was comfortable before we moved in together, and after she left her job we’ve gone through my savings and I’m actually facing an embarrassingly high credit card debt at this point. I can’t blame her for that, but the bottom line is that we’ve liven beyond our means for a very long time, and we’ve told ourselves that the situation is temporary and we can pay back our (my) debt when she gets a job. However, she’s been taking fewer classes than we “agreed” upon when she first started this, and after a few dropped classes her impending graduation will come one year after we thought. I’m now 37, have about 1/2 my annual salary in credit card debts, and wonder where to go from here.

    If I leave she’ll be in a very difficult situation. And I don’t want that for her. But at the same time I feel that I need to get my act together and rid myself of debt as soon as I can, and that it’s not fair that I should keep supporting her after we break up.

    She has a car we can’t afford that I paid for with a credit card 4 years ago. That’s what started the credit card debts rolling. I want to sell that to pay off some debt, but she doesn’t seem to accept that as a natural thing to do. She says she’s too emotionally attached to it. Part of me wants to suggest that she keeps the car and go on her way. If she sells it she should have enough money to live during the last 4 months of classes. She also has an engagement ring which is worth almost as much as her car.

    I’m 37 with a good job and (I guess ?) a bright future. Yet my goals still include getting married and having children. The longer I “dwell” with this relationship, the older I will be before I’m in a position where I’m able to provide for a family of my own.

    My bitterness here stems from the fact that we both saw her going back to school as an investment in our future. Yet if we’re not able to complete the race, I’m left with a huge debt and she’ll graduate from college with a very minimal student loan. Would it be unreasonable for me to expect that she’ll pay me back at least half of my debt over time, after she gets a job ? I’m not asking for any legal advice here, just suggestions about what would be expected. I’ve generally felt like a reasonable person but or fights make me doubt myself and I feel less certain about common sense breakup etiquette.

    This was a long “a little more detail”. I certainly appreciate you reading it all the way through ! Thanks for your time.
    Thanks for your answer. I shouldn’t have finished with my last paragraph. My main concern is what is fair to expect of me if we do break up. Should I still support her because we went into this together ?
    For what it’s worth, I still love her a lot. The thought of not being with her any more makes me devastated. But we have a toxic relationship and I feel that we bring out the worst in each other.

    • ANSWER:

37. QUESTION:
    Have you been engaged more than once?
    And if so, did your views of what you wanted your wedding to be like change?

    Last year I was engaged to a neurosurgeon. We were spending a gross amount of money on the wedding. I was not comfortable with it, but all my friends told me that I was going to have the wedding of my dreams. Huge Roman Catholic Church, large bridal party, crazy big guest list, elegant sit down dinner, open bar, a live band and a DJ, ect. None of that stuff mattered to me. He even admitted that he was just trying to out do a coworkers wedding we went to months before. I just wanted to marry him. Sadly, well not sadly because I got out, I ended that engagement. I was sick of being a piece of property to him to show off to his friends. Every time someone asked to see my ring, he would grab my hand before I had a chance to even respond and shove it in their faces. He would spit off the specs of the ring and how much it cost. I hated it because I was brought up knowing that telling someone the cost of something like that is bad etiquette.

    Now I met my prince charming and my whole idea has changed. I am happy to get married under a tree at sunset. He said while that’s a lovely idea, he took it one step forward and we are going to look at vineyards in the area.
    My friends comment on how drastic a change this is. Has anyone else completely change what they wanted or found important the second time around?
    I was with my first fiance for 3 years. It’s like he turned into another person the moment he pulled out the ring box the night. I remember so clearly him just being a douchebag like a week after the proposal. I’m sitting there like who is this man and where is the man he was before the proposal?
    I heard he proposed to another woman just recently with the ring he got me. ha ha ha.
    The man I am with now is my first love. We were too young though and went our seperate ways to grow up.

    • ANSWER:
      Mine is sort of the opposite of yours I got engaged my senior year in college, and we were broken up within 6 months. Neither of us was ready, but for different reasons. I wasn’t ready to settle down and he was waaaay too tied in to what his mom and dad wanted. The day he came to me with a prenuptial prepared by daddy the lawyer (I assume to protect his 0 in net worth) I handed back the ring.

      In grad school I met my current hubby, an oncologist/researcher. We decided to not get engaged until he finished med school, and if we made it through that, it was meant to be! So we got engaged several months later, and then had a pretty quick engagement (6 months), followed by my fairytale wedding – not a huge one, but gorgeous setting, great food and booze, and the people who mattered most (along with a couple who didn’t but, hey, that’s what post-wedding gossip was invented for!)

      It’s been almost 7 years and I’ve never looked back. I still can’t figure out how I snagged this guy.